“I felt that I was exploding in slow motion”: Battling blame after a scam

In a world where cybercrime is becoming increasingly sophisticated, anyone can fall victim to a scam.

Over 185,000 households were scammed out of money in the past year^*, and online fraud is on the rise^**. However, while scams are becoming a more common form of crime, much of the public discourse lacks empathy towards the victims.

Wolf was the target of a meticulously planned scam where fraudsters impersonated employees of a reputable New Zealand bank. They cloned the bank’s webpage, where it looked indistinguishable from the real site.

Believing he was making a legitimate long-term deposit, Wolf unknowingly transferred his family’s entire life savings to the scammers.

"...You don't feel that you are less naive. You're just injured."

Dealing with shame

The discovery that his life savings had been stolen was a devastating blow. Overwhelmed by guilt, Wolf felt an intense responsibility for their loss.

Feelings of shame, guilt and betrayal are very common reactions to being scammed.

"I was already feeling 100% guilty," he recalls. "I felt that I did the most horrible thing I could do to my family... I felt that I was exploding in slow motion... I could see pieces of myself floating away."

Expecting support, but receiving blame

Despite his feelings of shame, which deter many from reporting crime, Wolf approached the authorities. Unfortunately, he found it compounded his suffering.

When Wolf reported the fraud to his bank, the representative seemed more interested in criticising his actions than providing support.

"This lady started victim blaming me, pretty much telling me, ‘You shouldn't have done this’ and ‘You should have known that it wasn't [the bank].’”

Wolf's experience mirrors the kind of victim blaming often directed at survivors of other crimes. "In my mind, it was very, very akin to telling a woman, ‘Why did you go back home? Why did you drink so much? Why did you wear such a short skirt? Why did you go into that dark alley?’"

Our latest research has revealed that victims can be blamed for all kinds of crime. Victim blaming doesn’t discriminate, and it can have long-term damaging effects.

Despite being the victim of the crime, Wolf found himself constantly having to defend himself. Another response he faced when trying to report the scam was accusatory. “I stopped her straight away… And I kind of lectured her myself, [saying] ‘You don’t get to blame me.’”

Even well-meaning comments from coworkers added to his distress. One colleague attempted to console him by saying, "Wolf, it's not your fault that you're a trusting person." But this was only another more subtle kind of blame. "I am not...” Wolf told them. “I was manipulated."

Facing blame from all angles

Wolf’s wife faced her own struggles with victim blaming.

Her counsellor suggested she must feel like she had lost her naivety, a sentiment that felt misplaced and hurtful.

“You don't feel like you have lost your naivety. You feel that something horrible happened to you. You feel that you've been rubbish, but you don't feel that you are less naive. You're just injured.”

Online, the victim blaming continued. Ignoring warnings, Wolf read comments on social media about his story, many of which were harsh and judgmental.

“You can imagine many of them were just saying, ‘Dumb, dumb, stupid. Oh my God, you’re an idiot.’”

“One was saying, ‘You did fail your family’ because in the article it says, I feel like I failed my family. And the woman is like, ‘You did fail your family that’s, that’s the true cold fact.’”

The difference support makes

The constant blame took a toll on Wolf's mental health, leading to feelings of terror and paranoia. "I keep feeling that someone was going to come in at night and kill my children... a little sound would make me jump."

Through it all, his wife remained a steadfast source of support, never blaming him.

A dinner with friends, where he received unconditional support, proved to be a crucial turning point.

"It was really, really healing for me to see all the guys... All of them were very supportive and very insistent: ‘This is not your fault.’"

Changing the script on victim blaming

Wolf was scammed out of his family’s life savings and then made to feel like he – not the criminals – was to blame. Victims like Wolf deserve support, not condemnation.

"There is always going to be much less empathy with people for this crime because you are the dumb ass who was scammed and that’s how society sees you. But that's the way to stop it... Educating people the same way it's happened with rape victims...”

“I think there is a much better consciousness about it and about how the victim is the victim and the monster is the monster.”

At Victim Support, we believe that ending victim blaming starts with changing the script.

When Wolf’s friends took the time to listen to him without judgement, and said those four simple words – “it’s not your fault” – it was a crucial step in his recovery.

We all need to ask ourselves, how we’d choose to respond if a family member, friend, neighbour or colleague confided in us that they’d been a victim of a scam.

What would you say?

You can change the script on victim blaming. Learn more about victim blaming.

Make the pledge to never victim blame:

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^*Consumer NZ

^**Netsafe

Wolf's name has been changed and stock imagery used to protect his identity.