Violet’s voice: Why victim blaming keeps survivors silent

Content note: The following details sexual and physical assault.

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Violet lost her virginity when two boys raped her at a party. She was just 16 years old.

What followed was a journey of isolation, shame, and fear – A fear of being judged, misunderstood and blamed.

“There was a lot of shame, a lot of reluctance to trust. And I kept things to myself for a really long time rather than opening up to people because I didn't want them to think less of me or judge me for not leaving or for being there in the first place or for when I was 16 for getting drunk at a party.”

Silenced by stigma

Violet never reported this crime, and her fear of being judged and blamed came to life after seeking help for a violent relationship as an adult.

“There were two main themes. The first is, ‘‘well, why didn't you leave? Why didn't you leave sooner? And then it was, ‘well, what did you do to provoke it?’”

Violet sought refuge with her neighbour who encouraged her to leave the relationship. But Violet stayed because she had nowhere to go, and her neighbour stopped talking to her.

“And so therefore it was my fault that it was still occurring is what I took from that.”

“If someone that I had approached had listened, empathetically, understood the gravity of the situation and showed me love and empathy at the time, I honestly think that might've helped.”

Judgement for seeking help

Another time, she confided in a close colleague after her partner pulled a knife on her. “And the response was, ‘why are you telling me this? I don't want to hear this. Keep it at home.’”

Violet believed the other factor that led to others minimising her abuse was that her partner was female.

“Like, ‘oh, what did she do? Did she pull your hair? Did she maybe push you a little bit?’… Yeah, 'cause, it's just another girl, right? Can't be that bad. [But] it can happen in any relationship regardless of your identity or your orientation.”

The need to feel safe

Violet said she was constantly having to weigh up whether it was safe to tell people her partner was female or whether that would make her susceptible to even more victim blaming.

“Do I say that I fell over? Do I say that my partner beat me? And then finally saying, yes it is, ‘oh, why did he do that?’ And so you have to constantly come out and decide whether it's safe for you to come out.”

“So there's [that] on top of feeling traumatised and unsafe… There's another layer of complexity on top of it that, to me, makes things 10 times harder…. It's harder when you're already marginalised.”

Everyone deserves compassion

Violet has never reported her victimisations: “That would be a whole lot of new people trying to point blame on me. And after the past trauma, why would anybody go through that?”

“I think it's set up in such a way as to, like, the whole innocent until proven guilty. So the onus is always on the victim.”

For Violet, these challenges are magnified by her identity. As a part-Māori, queer woman, she feels alienated and unsafe within a system she perceives as an "old boys' club."

Violet wants to see more empathy based on connection as humans, regardless of their identity.

“If someone that I had approached had listened, empathetically, understood the gravity of the situation and showed me love and empathy at the time, I honestly think that might've helped.”

Ending the cycle of blame

Victims like Violet are paying a heavy price for New Zealand’s culture of victim blaming.

No one should have to suffer alone. Victim-survivors deserve support and to feel comfortable to speak up, seek help and get justice.

You can help support victims like Violet by making a donation to Victim Support. Together, we can end victim blaming in New Zealand.

Please donate today so ALL victims know it’s not their fault and have access to support they deserve when they need it most.

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*Violet’s name has been changed and stock imagery has been used to protect her identity.